Category Archives: Personal

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Cigarettes.

I’m not a pack a day smoker and I only smoked three cigarettes this week, but it doesn’t excuse the fact that I still smoke cigarettes and I know that I shouldn’t.

I know my family wouldn’t have it. And neither would my friends. I’m closet smoker, just like how I’m a closet author. But this Friday is dragging longer than I thought and I don’t have much of a weekend to look forward to. I’m still at square one with a lot of the goals I’d like to achieve and responsibilities are weighing me down.

It’s a crutch. It’s choice that I’m in control of, but its a bad choice. A girl that I became madly in love with left me, and I saw it coming. But I strolled along, and now that I’m making the necessary steps to move on, it doesn’t make anything that much easier. I didn’t have much of a choice. And now, I’m living vicariously through the goals I’ve left behind to be with her, to care for her. I had to let her go, it was better for the both of us. I think.

I’m not as happy, but I’m getting through it.

I exchanged that problem with a problem I could handle. That maybe if I start smoking, and quit, I could prove myself that I’m still in control. And that I still have choices, and I could continue.

I could see and understand how some people, under the face of suffering, resort to such things as drinking and smoking. But really, it doesn’t solve anything…if make the situation worse. Now I have a higher mountain to climb, but a tougher struggle makes for a stronger person in the end. But how far do I have to go until I realize it’s just not worth it.

It’s not worth it. I hate this. And so I write, I have a few to talk to, but I haven’t allowed myself to trust. Maybe I would hope that someone I knew found this blog, and figured out who I am. It’s hard to come clean to a friend, or even family, when a lot of people rely on me to set a good example, who look up to me. I just can’t be that person, all the time. I take care of what I need to do, make end’s meat, make sure most of my relationships are in good standing. But it never seems to be enough.

I face decisions everyday that may affect the rest of my life, its not always “peace easy.” It’s not easy. A struggle between who I want to be, who I need to be, and who everyone expects me to be. I guess this is more than just about kicking the habit.

It’s Friday. I need to relax. (But not with another cigarette.)

 

 

Smoke.

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Indie Game: The Movie

If you got Netflix, then this is a movie to see.

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This movie is probably this month’s favorite indie film. It’s about independent game producers and pretty much creating something that they put their entire souls into. It makes me rethink my career choices.

I had a conversation with a friend the other day, it began with the question: What do you want to do?

He replied: I dunno, man. I’m lazy. One day, I drew a Venn diagram asking myself three things: 1) Things that I’m good at. 2) Things that make money. 3) Things that I like to do. And I couldn’t find anything to do. How about you?

I got a lot of things I want to do, a lot of thoughts run through my head.

I wish I had enough, I don’t think enough things run through mine.

Yeah, I want to own a cafe, I wanted to produce films… a lot. I just don’t know which one…

(end conversation)

And it made me think about this movie. I pretty much grew up with the PC-era (personal computer, not politically correct). My parents were no programmers, but my dad was forced to be an early adopter of the computer, he was an engineer and they were moving from manual CAD design to automated CAD. So he bought one.

486 processor, probably 133mhz, couple megabytes of ram, and came with both style floppy drives. I grew up entering DOS commands because Windows was still 3.1 and it was a lot easier to navigate and play game demos through DOS. Anyways… I grew up watching the PC grow and the Internet boom, I’m still amazed by it to this day.

I got accepted as a Computer Science undergraduate student, but I didn’t even give it a chance. But now, I often wondered what it would be like if I was a programmer. And what game I would make. I’m rambling…

Watch this movie!

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“To trust. To be completely vulnerable with someone and feel invincible at the same time.”

When asked, “What do you look for in a relationship?”

“To trust. To be complet…

Lying…

Lying…

I don’t like liars… and I don’t like when I lie. No lies are good, not even white lies.

Things that are personal have flaws, they have vulnerabilities. If you don’t see a vulnerability in somebody, you’re probably not relating to them on a very personal level.

Things that are personal …

Vintage Sunburst

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This was an interesting, not so eventful weekend. I did make the largest one-payment, purchase of my life: a Gibson Les Paul (Standard Traditional Pro) and it sings like a dream.

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Feelings from friendship.

Is it so difficult to separate feelings from friendship?

It’s been three weeks since we’ve been “done.” A relationship that would have been, but didn’t. We gave it a chance, but it didn’t work. It’s true what they say, “You don’t choose who you love.” I loved her, I still do. But her love belongs to someone else. So what else is there to salvage?

A friendship? Many say it isn’t possible, not when you have a history. But I’m trying to fight against the odds here, I don’t want her to fall away. I still care… and I’m not hoping for us to rekindle the spark, but at least leave each other in good standing.

My parents still feel like there’s hope. I believe in love, I do. But not like this. Our hopes for a relationship is gone, but the love is still. We aren’t us, we aren’t “BFF’s” (like my mom called us, **** that), we are who we are. And I just care from the sincerity of my heart.

Man, screw this.

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ENFJ

I took a personality test a few years ago, and retook it again recently to see if I had changed. Looks like I’m still an ENFJ.

You can take the same test here. They call my archetype, The Giver. (found here)

Now, I’m not quite the type to believe in luck or I don’t find the scientific method to be a set and stone answer to many questions, but my descriptions are very much accurate to who I am. At first I was skeptical, thinking to myself, “Oh, these are just generalizations and anyone can probably relate.” So I read the others, specially the ones that are considered my “natural partner,” and found that they are very different people.

Is this important? No. Not really. It’s no where near conclusive or definitive to who I am, but it did help me look at myself. ENFJ’s are people persons, but the weakness lies where we often hold the interests of others over our own. And when it comes to relationships, I’ll admit, I am protective and can be smothering/overwhelming.

The last girl I was seeing (an INFJ/INFP) said that “we’re too much alike.” I beg to differ. We’re not alike at all, but it’s in my nature to adapt to my surroundings and to the people close to me. I absorb your interests and feel for your what you’re passionate about. One of my friends, also an ENFJ, described us as “chameleons.” It’s probably why I tend to get along well with many people I meet, I strive to understand where they’re coming from. But reading her type, I can see where I went wrong. (Long story.)

How about you? Leave a comment if your personality type describes who you think you really are.

 

This is one more piece of advice I have for you: don’t get impatient. Even if things are so tangled up you can’t do anything, don’t get desperate or blow a fuse and start yanking on one particular thread before it’s ready to come undone. You have to figure it’s going to be a long process and that you’ll work on things slowly, one at a time.

Haruki Murakami, Norwegian Wood

This is one more piece of…

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